so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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