I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
