i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
