so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
