Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
