I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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