Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
