I am puke
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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