tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I met the friendliest cop last night
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
