Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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