i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My balls are so social today.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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