Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
