hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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