What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
