I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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