Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
