And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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