i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
