Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
