Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
