Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I deserve this hangover.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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