This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
