She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize