How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
