i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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