went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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