Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Is it penis luge time yet?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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