I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
