i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
