After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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