I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
