He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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