I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
