my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
