My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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