she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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