shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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