On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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