well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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