The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
