I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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