you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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