Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize