I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
