You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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