The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
