i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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