i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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