Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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