Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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