Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just gift wrapped bread.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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