Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
