so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
