it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
