you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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