His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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