I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
