you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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