Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize