Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
