1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
